Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Have you ever cried at work?

Somebody made me cry at work.

 I should preface this by saying that I do sometimes cry at work.
Briefly, sadly, infrequently. When I'm watching somebody die and can't help but feel that this is tragic and too soon; when I see somebody watch somebody they love die, and even though it's really not too soon and this is the way it should be - it's still hard to watch loss and grief. Sometimes it's as simple as when somebody thanks me and I am so deeply aware of how unworthy I am.
These tears are stolen moments around the corner, in a bathroom cubicle or on the way out the door. They are private and tender and reflect something beautiful (and sometimes terrible) that I have seen or heard or experienced.

Today somebody was angry. And I suspect a little insecure and deeply worried. And they lashed out on me and no matter what I said or how I explained or tried to reassure them, they weren't interested. They felt better by yelling at me and I think somehow wanted to lash out and hurt me. It made them feel better. There was nothing I could do to make them feel better. Or me for that matter. Ever been dumped by a wave? Just swept up and turned over and drenched and a little frightened.

I don't do well with yelling. Or anger. Or rage. At heart I am actually a coward with few defenses and a chronic and consistent belief that it is my fault, so rage is not something that I can just walk away from and shrug off.  And I found myself sobbing in a friend's office. Distraught. And now, although I have picked myself up and dusted myself off a little, and I am home, a place I have made safe and comfortable, I am dreading tomorrow. I don't want to see this person. I don't want to relive hearing the nasty implications, the cold words and that subtle yet purposeful intent to hurt me. I don't really feel strong enough to do that.
God give me strength. I'm going to need it.

2 comments:

garret said...

I know that this most likely won't slove any problems,but it has always worked for me, just avoid that person lik ethe plauge. If you do runinto them, just be calm, cool, and confident. Just repeat to yourself:This person is not woth my thoughts or my tears, they are not worth it.

Linds said...

Take a good look in the mirror, sweetie. That woman is amazing. Clevr. Accomplished. Talented. And nice too. She has a gigantic heart and she cares. Look at that smile. Look how beautiful she is.

She is you. Now straighten those shoulders, and just remember that all you can give is your best, and that is what you always do.

I am proud of you. Be proud of who you are.